The following is a humorous and somewhat exaggerated look at typical corporate policy. However with some corporate environments, this is not far off. Makes me happy that I work for a small company where I am the head honcho. Enjoy!
Policy Changes at Work
Effective January 2, 2008
To all Employees:
- It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
- Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
- At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
- After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.
- Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.
- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.