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For all of you who have either a cat or dog or both living inside your home, here are some rules for them to live by (yeah right). Make sure you post them in a very low place, such as the refrigerator door, about snout height. Here we go.

Dear Dog(s) and/or Cat(s),

Here are some rules by which we may both co-exist in this household. They are as follows:

  • The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish. Nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
  • The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a race track. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me does not help because I fall faster than you can run.
  • I cannot buy any thing bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sheer sarcasm.
  • For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you in there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must also exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
  • The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

Finally, to pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:


  1. They live here. YOU don’t.
  2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)
  3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
  4. To you it’s an animal. To me, they are an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.


The Master (or in a dog or cat’s mind – their pet)

P.S. An extra rule for cats – if you see something swimming in your water bowl, there is a good chance that it is NOT actually your water bowl.

Little Girl

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