A good friend of mine sent me a list of predictions, some which are several years old, that are quite off. I’ll say nothing further about but simply allow you to enjoy them as I did.

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.”
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

“But what … is it good for?”
Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.”
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.”
Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.”
Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“Louis Pastueur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.”
Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would payfor a message sent to nobody in particular?”
David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.”
A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?”
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.”
Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.”
Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.”
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.”
Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.”
Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.

“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’”
Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.

“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.”
1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.

“You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.”
Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the “unsolvable” problem by inventing Nautilus.

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.”
Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

“The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.”
Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.

“This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He’s doomed.”
Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.”
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.”
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

“Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances.”
Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.”
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899

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It has happened twice now. Some nameless carpet cleaning company calls my cell phone (a no no in the first place) to try to get me to schedule service with them. It is a computer that actually calls which then prompts me to select the number 1 to schedule appointment. I am then sent over to a “real” human being whom I assume schedules the service.

Both times I have asked to be taken off list and the person on the other just end hangs up on me. I called them back at the number that registers on my phone – 602-325-0060, and I get a message that the number is not in service.

First of all I hate when a computer calls me. Secondly I hate getting sales calls on my cell phone. Isn’t that against the law anyway? But what really gets me is that they just hang up when I ask to be removed from their call list. So, the next time this company calls, I’m going to handle things a bit differently.

I’m going to actually schedule service with them. That’s right! And I’m going to tell them that I live in a 7,000 square foot home and have something like 10 rooms that need cleaning. I’ll encourage them to send 2 crews. When they actually show up, I’ll act dumb and tell them that I never asked them to come out. “You must have made a mistake,” is what they will hear from me.

Evil or genius? Maybe we should all start doing things like this when telemarketers refuse to remove us from call lists.

P.S. If and when they do call back and I schedule service, I’ll come back and reveal who they are here.

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This is a humorous look at what our interior control panels might look like.

What is this picture trying to say? That men are simple and women are quite complex? I would say so. Actually I think the man’s control panel should have three switches, labeled as follows – “Food,” “Sex” and “Ataboy.”

Of course a wise man will learn how to operate the woman control panel, that is if he has any hope of having a peaceful and long-lasting relationship.

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What is wrong with this picture? (no that is no groceries in the bag)

I was driving around today in my neighborhood and saw an older guy walking his dog, leash in one hand and bag of dog doodoo in the other. That is just so wrong. Not that the guy is being responsible and picking up after his dog but that the dog poops while walking in the first place.

I mean why do dogs think a walk means pooing and peeing every 1/2 mile or so? Can a dog be trained not to do that? I think so. In fact, I know so because my dog does not do it. When I walk my dog Jody, it is so we can get some exercise, take in the desert scenery and get some fresh air — not to poop and pee on everything!

So you won’t find me carrying a little bag of dog poop because I have trained my dog not to do that when we are walking. If she has to go, she can hold it in the same way I would expect her to if she was in the house.

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Now that we have a newborn in the house (our first grandson), I’m finding myself having to brush up a bit on how to properly care for him. Even though we have raised three children, it has been what seems like a lifetime since they were infants.

Caring for a child is a long journey, from changing their diapers, sending them to school, and looking for future security through advantage one, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t look at the lighter side! I found a humorous look at this – what I’d call “how to care for babies for dummies” – represented in the 26 cartoons shown below. I am not sure who created them, but I found them at FunCollector.com. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did and maybe you’ll even learn a thing or two.

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The Dog’s Diary

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

Day 2,563 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. She is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. She is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe… at least for now.

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Okay, I’ve seen some pretty wild stretch limousines in my time — everything from Hummers to PT Cruisers. But a horse stretch limo?

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I love coffee. In fact, I often joke that I hook myself up to a coffee IV before I get out of bed each morning, which of course is not true. However, it is true that the first thing I do each morning is make a pot of java.

In addition to my love for good coffee, I also like a beer that has a hint of coffee taste. I recently enjoyed such a beer called “Lagunitas Cappuccino Stout,” a dark beer that is brewed with Sebastapol’s own Hard Core Coffee. On the bottle itself, I found a slightly different version of “the Lord is my shepherd” prayer, this one more along the lines of “coffee is my shepherd.” I thought I’d share it here.

Coffee is my shepherd; I shall not doze
It makes me to wake in green pastures
It leads me beyond the sleeping masses
It restores my brain
It leads me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of sleep,
I will fear no artificial sweetener
For you are with me
Your cream and your sugar, they comfort me
You prepare a carafe before me in the presence of my zzz’s
You anoint my day with peppiness
My coffee mug runs over
Surely richness and flavor shall follow me all the days of my life
And I will dwell in the House of Coffee forever

Amen

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For those of you who are over 30, do you recall the days of our youth when our parents used to tell us how hard they had it when they were our age? They’d say things like, “When I was young, I had to walk to school barefoot, in the snow and uphill – both ways.” Heck, I used to tell my kids that very same thing, jokingly of course.

And while kids do have it rougher as far as the moral decay of our society as well as the cost of living, technology wise, they have it pretty good. They are quite spoiled in fact but then again, I guess we are as well.

This is a humorous look at the differences between the time those of us over 30 were kids compared to kids today.

Cooking Food

Then: Use the stove, oven or build a fire to cook or heat food. And popcorn? We had to shake those Jiffy Pop thingees over the stove for what seemed like forever.

Now: Microwave ovens and even those aren’t fast enough for you. The stove and oven are more decor than items to cook with.

Accessing Information

Then: We would go to the library and look things up in a card catalog system.

Now: Just hop on the Internet and “google” it. What is a library? They have Wikipedia.

Written Communication

Then: Get out a pen and paper and actually write, then go to mailbox and mail the letter or postcard.

Now: Email, texting, instant messaging, Twitter… you get the point.

Free Music

Then: If you wanted free music, you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and then the DJ would usually talk over the beginning of the song. Either that or shoplift from the local music store (not that I did that).

Now: Napster, MP3′s and the like.

Telephone

Then: When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your school, your mom, your boss, a collection agent – you just didn’t know. You had to pick it up and take your chances.

Now: Caller ID and voice mail.

Video Games

Then: Atari 2600 with games like Space Invaders and Asteroids. Your player was a little square which means you’d have to actually use your imagination. And there were no multiple levels or screens, just one screen. Furthermore, you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died. We’d eventually get bored and actually go out and play!

Now: xBox, Sony Playstation, Wii, etc. all with high-resolution 3-D graphics. Kids don’t know what it means to “go outside and play.”

Television

Then: Yes, we had analog cable but it consisted of about 15 channels. No on screen menu and no remote controls either. You had to use a little book called a TV Guide (do they have those anymore) to find out what was on and actually had to get off your arse and walk over to the TV to change the channel.

Now: High definition all digital cable television with a gazillion channels to choose from, on-screen menus, even search functions, TIVO and kids still complain, “There’s nothing on.”

Movies

Then: No surround sound and all the seats were the same height. If a tall guy or some old lady with a hat sat in front of you, forget about having good visibility.

Now: State of the art surround sound, screens that are humungeous and stadium seating.

Yep, technology is pretty good for today’s kids. But then again, didn’t we think we had an advantage over our parents?

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We all use drive-thrus – fast food, banks and even pharmacies such as Walgreens and CVS. I love the convenience – I can make a deposit at the bank, pick up a prescription and grab some Super Tacos at Jack in the Box, all while in my pajamas. What spoils the whole experience of a drive-thru? Those who are either too stupid or just too self absorbed to follow what I like to call “proper drive-thru etiquette.”

You’ve seen them – people that have major banking problems and instead of going in to the counter, they decide to use the drive-thru and hold up those looking to get in and out quickly. Or how about the people at a fast food drive-thru ordering for their family of ten or wanting to know how everything is made on the menu. I even came across a person the other day at a CVS drive-thru who waited while their prescription is filled (you are supposed to drop it off and come back). I have two word for you kinds of people – you suck!

You either are absolutely clueless of what a drive-thru’s intentions are – quick access and convenience – or you are so self absorbed as to not care about anyone else but yourselves.

So for those of you who do care about how to properly use drive-thru and/or the fact that there are other people in the world besides yourselves, I present to you my idea of proper drive-thru etiquette.

Fast Food

1. If you do not know the difference between a Whopper and a Big Mac, please go inside. In other words, don’t request an education of the menu while others are waiting behind you.

2. If ordering for twenty gazillion people, please go inside where they can take and fulfill other people’s orders while they gather together most of the crew to complete yours.

3. When receiving your order, please pull forward when you are doing things like making sure everything is there, adjusting your seat belt, putting your wallet away or whatever else you do for the next 3 minutes after you have already received your order.

4. At night, when behind someone else, please turn off your headlights. Do you really need to glare your headlights into the back windows of people cars? Just don’t forget to turn them back on before hitting the road again.

Pharmacies

1. When dropping off a prescription, leave. Don’t wait for it even if they say it will be fifteen minutes. We all know very well that it takes some time for Pharmacists to sort out the correct amount of pills from the larger bottle into the smaller ones.

2. When asked if you need to speak to the Pharmacist for your order, please decline or you will be waiting another 5-10 minutes, holding up the line behind you. The instructions are already contained with the prescription. Having a Pharmacist come over only makes them feel more like doctors.

3. When picking up a dozen or more prescriptions, please go inside. You know you need to pick up a cart-load of non-prescription items anyway.

Banks and Financial Institutions

1. Make sure you already have your own pen and deposit slips. Otherwise, go inside.

2. Along with that, please make sure you have properly endorsed your checks before depositing, otherwise, the teller will send them back.

3. My biggest pet peeve of bank drive-thrus – they are not the place to sort out things like credit card disputes, discrepancies with your balance, you don’t like the color of checks that you ordered and other things like this.

4. If you own one of those big ol’ duelies (duel wheel truck), don’t even attempt to use the drive-thru. You’ll get stuck and damage your truck as well as the bank’s equipment and piss people off who are behind you. (yes I have seen this happen)

How about you, the reader? Can you think of anything to add to this list? If so, I’d love to get your feedback in the comments section. Go ahead… get it off your chest!

Okay, I feel much better now.

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